I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
