If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
