I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
