Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
