I faked an abortion last night.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
