I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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