I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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