I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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