Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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