She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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