worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
