Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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