2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
