this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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