Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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