I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
