um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
