My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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