Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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