I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
