I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Damn victory sex feels great
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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