She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
