Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
