so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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