My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
True strength comes from lack of pants
Your penis caused this!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
