one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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