I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
