Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
