omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
