If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
