I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
