glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
