I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
