Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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