My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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