I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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