I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!