Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
