508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.