So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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