An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
