the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
