yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
