The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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