I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
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Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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