the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
