Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
