At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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