I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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