Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just had sex on a roof
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
tell me about the fingering
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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