Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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