i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
