I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
