They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
