Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
