I think I died a long time ago.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
