I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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