well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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